Watching Indian classic movies during the lockdown

Time to take off your rosy heart glasses.

A small couplet:
Romantic movies used to enchant us like magic
But during this lockdown everything just seemed tragic.

Netflix has added lots of Indian classic romantic movies during this lockdown. Seriously why now? Romance in 2020? This year started off really shitty and we are living in a fear. We are maintaining social distancing, a phrase which means, WE ARE STAYING AWAY FROM PEOPLE. So, how can you expect us to feel romantic in 2020?

So boy meeting girl, girl’s dupatta getting stuck to boy’s watch or bracelet, or boy and girl bumping into each other every two minute, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THIS YEAR.

Now *sad violin background music playing*

My sister was watching those romantic Indian movies every weekend and I can’t help but criticize them. It all started with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and watching this 1997 movie in 2020, also during the lockdown, changed my perspective about this movie as well as about life. Here are some lessons learnt from watching these ‘romantic’ movies as an adult:

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

1. Being funny and cute will not get you the guy. You can be the nicest person to the guy you love but still you won’t get him. Why? Because dude always falls for girls who are sexy, hot and hypocrite pretending to be nice when they actually aren’t. Tina was a bitch and laughed at Anjali in front of everyone and then pretended to be nice “ohh…for the sake of our sisterhood….blablabla” Bitch please.

2. For dudes like Rahul, it’s only looks that matter. Unlike for girls, see point 20.

3. Guys like to chase those girls who act pricey at first, making their own lives miserable. They don’t want a happy and peaceful life. So girls, play hard to get. Dudes love it. Competition drives them and when you show them that you are out of their league, they will come chase you, again back to point 1, ignoring the girl who is really nice to him and loves him. That’s the psychology of dudes. Pathetic!

4. If you want someone to like you, don’t be you. Same was shown in the movie Main Hoon Na. You can transform yourself into someone he likes but eventually makeovers don’t always work to get guys notice mouseburgers like us. So, in the end, just be you. The right one will like you for being you. The right person will make you feel beautiful despite all your flaws or I’d rather say particulars, like Aman.

5. The 80/20 rule to explain Points 1 and 4: 20% of girls (the zero filter ones or simply put, Anjali) fall for one among the 80% of guys (Rahul the dude) and 20% of the good guys (Aman) fall for one among 80% of those pretentious girls or one among the 20% of zero filter girls (Anjali) who is drooling over one of the 80% of dudes (Rahul) who is in turn horny for one among the 80% of pretentious girls (Tina the bitch). Then they generalize “All girls are the same. All guys are the same.” Generally, the 20% rules but in love, the 80% rules, not the 20%.

6. Always wait for your true love, even after his 2 marriages and 3 kids. He still loves you and will come back even if he had friendzoned you before. Feelings can change with time…out of loneliness.

7. If a girl breaks off a guy’s marriage, she is a home-wrecker. But if dude breaks off a girl’s marriage, he is a passionate and sincere lover and only did so to prove his love. It’s nefarious by the way, especially if she was really happy with someone else who treated her nicely, which is exactly how she deserved to be treated.

8. Stop fantasizing that it’s okay to be mean to the person you love. IT’S NOT!! Why do people love it when the person they like so much is being obnoxious to them? Girls, something from the book Not That Kind Of Girl by Lena Dunham: When someone shows you how little you mean to them and you keep coming back for more, before you know it, you start to mean less to yourself. So, stop accepting the inexcusable behavior of weak men dominating you because in doing so, you will lose your self-respect. Also, a strong man will never be mean to you.

9. Life is full of double standards. The principal who is Tina’s father keep harassing students with ‘no mini skirt, no short skirt and top’ but the rule doesn’t apply for his daughter. More double standards? Rahul is a widower, yet can get married again without any judgement then why so much fuss for Rani who is also a widow in the movie Baabul?

Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham

10. Long hair flips can’t break things. Honestly, I fail to understand how a hair flip can be seductive if it can break things. I would be scared to be near someone with really long hair. I get it that our hair strands are made of collagen which has high tensile strength but our hair can’t break things like a flower vase.

11. Men don’t like smarter and dumb women. So if you are smarter than him, act dumb and if you dumb, act smart but not smarter. You just can’t be you.

12. Less isn’t more. Backless plus spaghetti strap top plus mini skirt. This is too much Poo. Get over yourself. Also, what time management technique does Poo use to be so time-efficient, like waking up late yet she has time to work out and dance, have her long routine skin care, do her long hair, wear make-up and eventually she reaches university on time? As a morning lark, I can assure you that even if I wake up at 3.00 am or latest 4.00 am every day, I can’t have this routine. Maybe she skips shower and never revises before going for her courses, that’s how she has more time for all these. Wow, Poo is a genius.

13. If your attention-seeker friend gets all the attention on YOUR wedding day, dude, it’s time to unfriend her. Sorry but bitch has to go.

14. Yash Raichand is not arrogant. He’s just an introvert who can see through people’s bullshit and so he avoids them. Being a master of avoiding people myself, I don’t mean to brag, but I recently blocked a lot of people on Facebook. So good. In my defense, it’s called setting boundaries or in a more bitchy way, just burning the bridges.

15. No one feels horny on the day they lost a close family member. Rahul just applied the proverb ‘To gain something, you have to lose something.’ At least give the person some time to grieve for her loss.

Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam

16. As a woman, you are allowed to do all kinds of stupid things and justify them by ‘Because we are crazy’ because we are. *Evil laugh*

17. Helping your wife chase her crush is really couple goal. That’s what 20% of the guys will do.

18. What you thought was love, for the dude, it was yeet. Just like Rahul, one among the 80% of guys. 80% of the guys just want a good time but not the good thing.

19. If your wife tries to make you jealous with her crush, for your own safety, don’t double dare her and accompany her on a crush hunt. It will piss her off that you no longer want her when in fact you care for her happiness. See, it’s a trap. You can even die.

20. In the end, of course looks don’t matter… as long as the ‘thing’ department exceeds all regulations.

There are many more movies: forced romance, depressing romance and so on but watching all of them will trigger an existential crisis. No more depression and overthinking please. The lockdown is over now. Get out of your house, don’t watch these movies.

Real life is not the same as reel life. Goodbye 90s. This is 2020.